Expectations and Becoming a NICU Mom

Your expectations didn’t include your baby ending up in the NICU.  You were going to give birth, get discharged in a couple of days, arrive at home with a flood of visitors welcoming your new family home. But plans changed. It’s not what you thought it was going to be.  Something went terribly wrong and life became much more complicated within an instant.

Even though your experience wasn’t “normal” and what you expected, not all is lost. The lessons you can take away from this can transform you into a better person. Feel your feelings and practice gratitude every day. Create and embrace your new normal.

What were my Expectations?

The expectations I had for my pregnancy and birth was perfection.  I planned for everything.  Worried about everything. 

I was prepared. 

For one of the first times in my life, it was all coming together.  I was so happy.  My husband and I just built a house and we were just getting settled in. The nursery was decorated.  Clothing and bedding were washed in zero additive detergent and dried without fabric softener. The swing and bouncer were set out in the living room, the pack and play in our room next to my bedside.  Freezer meals were made, and the house was clean. 

My induction was set for 37 weeks (which wasn’t part of my “birth plan”), but at least I knew WHEN I needed to go to the hospital and do the birthing things.  You can read about it here, in my Birth Story.  To the say the least, it didn’t go as planned.

My son Vincent was born with a rare birth defect called Esophageal Atresia and Tracheoesophageal Fistula (EA/TEF).  His esophagus (food pipe) ended in a blind pouch, and his lower esophagus was connected to his trachea (windpipe).

Surgery was not optional.  It was life or death.

At only 4 days old, the surgeons connected and repaired his esophagus.  That was only the beginning.  He was in the level 4 NICU for 70 days, we spent another 55 days inpatient before he turned 6 months old. A total of 125 days. If you’d like to read the whole story, A Complex Medical Journey, describes his path throughout the first year and beyond.

After a few days at the hospital, I needed to replenish my clothes and toiletries. I cried the whole drive home.  I walked into a quiet house.  Empty handed.  No baby. The car seat locked into place in our car.

I couldn’t stand the sight of all his things we had set out.  It was a reminder that he wasn’t with us.  I picked up everything in sight and placed threw it in his room.  Sobbing the entire time.  I shut the door.

But the door didn’t hide all the emotions inside of me. 

The emptiness was something I had never experienced before.  Honestly, most days I feel as I am only a shell of myself, an unrecognizable version of me. 

I’m working on it though, and it got me thinking, now what? 

If I don’t even recognize myself, how do I get that back?

I would look at other people, strangers, that were smiling, laughing, and enjoying themselves… and I thought, “how can you just be going on with your life, don’t you understand what I am going through?!”

And this irrational thought I had, like I was the center of the universe made me think, “I can’t be the only one that has had this thought when going through something difficult.

OK, so I couldn’t just melt into a pool of mush.

(even if that’s EXACTLY what I wanted to do)

What is the first step? How do you get unstuck?

Pay attention to your thoughts.

Practicing Gratitude

Ok, the early NICU days brought gratitude advice from a variety of folks.  All of which I didn’t want to hear, and I would curse them in my thoughts for daring to try to help me.

Be grateful he is alive!

They can save him with surgery, be grateful!

The things to be grateful for is there isn’t something worse wrong with him! 

I was screaming internally. Why should I be grateful to have a child with a rare birth defect?  I couldn’t see the good in ANYTHING about our situation.

And honestly, what I’m about to say would have been the smart thing to do. 

But, I didn’t do it. 

But I’m sure it would have helped me feel more content. 

You can get wrapped up very quick with all the horrible things that are going on with your baby in the NICU.

Start a gratitude journal and commit writing 10 things you are grateful for.

Every. Single. Day.

Think of all the good things that are happening. Even if those things are minuscule. Here are some things that would have made it onto my list.

• Medical advances, it’s an amazing time to be alive
• Hospital staff caring for your baby
• Medicine to heal your baby
• Support from family and friends
• The air in your lungs
• A hot shower
• Pizza

Feel your Feelings

Feel it, talk about it, write about it, and join online support groups.

Share your story.

I can’t stress this enough.  It is ok to feel ALL your feelings.  You didn’t do anything wrong.

When you are in the thick of your emotions, looking at it from an outside rational perspective may be impossible. 

It takes time. 

Actively working on yourself however is necessary!  No one else is going to do it for you. 

YOU ARE IN CHARGE OF YOUR OWN HAPPINESS. 

Find your support.  Is that your spouse, parent, sibling or friend?  Maybe it’s another mom in the NICU.  She will know like NO OTHER PERSON the feelings that are in your heart.

With time and hard work, the lessons you needed to learn will become clear.  It is possible, and you can do it.

I had months after months of continuous traumatic experiences surrounding my son. I was in survival mode and wasn’t feeling my true feelings.

I couldn’t.

And it is all catching up with me now, over a year later.  I’m choosing to go through and not around my emotions of losing my “normal”.

It happened.

I cannot change it.

I can’t let it define me. 

But I can change how I feel about it. 

What are your Expectations?

Do you view events as either “bad” or “good”?  Sure, you do.  I do it all the time. 

But, what if it just “IS”?

What if it just is what it is?

The truth is, things happen every day to every person on this earth. People lose their jobs, get sick, divorce, and die. (hopefully not in that exact order on the same day…) They also celebrate beautiful things like birthdays, sunrises, the perfect cup of coffee, and family.

When we view something that happens as a negative or positive, it is charged with expectations.

Expectations, whatever they may be are the root of unhappiness. Well, let me rephrase that a bit.  High expectations will only set you up for disappointment, leading to feelings of unhappiness.

So, what if you had NO expectations? 

What would that be like? 

You’ve most likely had a time or two where you expected your spouse or family member to do something, but when it didn’t meet your expectations, you were left feeling angry, sad, or disappointed.  If you had zero expectations, what they did or didn’t do, it would be EXACTLY what it is. 

I want to punch people in the throat when they say, “everything happens for a reason”.  However, life does have a way of bringing people and events into your life that requires you to learn and grow from. 

Ask yourself what it is you NEED to learn from this situation that brought you negative feelings.

Your Expectations were not met, what is the Lesson?

Finding the reason why can take years to find.  Why did this show up in your life? What did you need to learn?

I dislike people in general.  Well, not ALL the people.  I just CAN NOT with some of them.  People project their unhappiness into the universe, making it difficult for me to have interactions and not internalize their moods.

But, one thing I learned is empathy.

When you are out, minding your own business, and someone is rude or just had a nasty deposition, instead of taking it personally and getting defensive, remember this.  

You have NO IDEA what is going on in their lives!

Maybe someone close to them is sick or just died. They could be fighting with their spouse, or their kids are just going crazy. Or maybe they are just having a major PMS day that they can’t control (this is me multiple days of each month).

If you approach others with genuine kindness and acceptance, it may just be the thing that turns their day around. Imagine being in their shoes.

Think of a time where you were in a sour nasty mood. Every encounter with another human seemed to piss you off more and more. It just feeds off one person to the next.

What if someone showed you immense kindness and understanding?

Practicing empathy is not only good for others, but for yourself.  It allows you not to internalize other people’s “stuff”.

Conclusion

Sure, this is not what you expected. But this is what “IS” now.

Hating every second of it, wishing it was different is only hurting YOU.

Take a view of gratitude. Let go of the past, live in the now, and don’t worry about the future.

Loosen the grip of control you feel you need to have over situations. You will only be happier for it.

Eliminate your expectations for a genuine feeling of contentment.

This will make you stronger than ever.

What has helped you find peace with a baby in the NICU?