This is what I wanted
Have you ever not known where to start when explaining your feelings? Not that I need to explain myself… but over the past few months my heart has been heavy with an extreme of emotions ranging from fear to absolute joy and contentment. This is what I wanted, and I have to repeat that to myself everyday.
The most exciting thing has happened, I’m pregnant!
Before we started trying to conceive, I met with my primary care physician, a genetic specialist, maternal fetal medicine, a new OB GYN that specializes in high risk pregnancies, and ultimately a fertility clinic.
My husband and I weighed the risks and decided to move forward with growing our family.
The reason why we were hesitant and did our research was our son, now 3 years old, was born with a rare birth defect where he was unable to swallow. His esophagus was not connected to his stomach and ended in a blind pouch; he needed life-saving surgery at 4 days old. To this day he has undergone over 20 surgeries so that he can breathe and eat. If you’d like to read about his early journey, click here to read.
Our journey to conceive took 1.5 years; month after month of The One Line, Not Pregnant….. disappointing news of no baby that month. After the first couple cycles, I started tracking my ovulation by testing my LH levels multiple times a day and taking my basal body temperature. I tried non conventional wives tales… silly me, but I’d try anything,
With no success after 6 months, we visited the fertility clinic where I was tested for everything. My husband’s sperm levels were checked. Everything was FINE! Nothing we could do… just unexplained infertility.
Once we were trying for a year we did one round of IUI (intrauterine insemination), which was expensive and unsuccessful. I became more depressed, why couldn’t we get pregnant?
My stress was high and something had to give. I put my notice in at work, a toxic area of my life that needed to change. After a couple of months I was done with working outside of the home.
A huge relief, I could now use all my energy for my family. I began crafting more and fueled my soul. I enjoyed waking up in the morning and looked forward to the future.
That very next cycle we finally conceived! I honestly believe reducing that work stress in my life was the major factor in us getting pregnant.
On Christmas day, I was crying and feeling sorry for myself… all I wanted for Christmas was to be pregnant. The next day I was feeling off and decided to take a test. It was POSITIVE! I couldn’t believe it.. We did it! Finally!!
We were overjoyed, and still are. Our little one is due September 3rd, 2021. This is what I wanted!
For the first few weeks, I was feeling really good except for being tired AF. My diet was healthy and I was taking daily walks. And then the nausea came. All I could do was lay in bed. No vomiting but just dreadfully nauseous and exhausted all day every day.
I’m finally seeing some relief at 18 weeks. It was horrible. This is what I wanted!
With all the laying in bed waiting for the sickness to subside, my mind had a chance to formulate all of the things that could be going wrong with the development of my baby. My son’s birth defect occurred when I was about 7 weeks pregnant. I was hyper researching all the fetal development for that time and worrying about the food I was eating, the products I was using.
Every decision I was making is affecting how my baby is developing… no pressure. To calm myself, I repeat affirmations that my baby is healthy and I am capable of creating a “normal’ human. All of our appointments have gone great! Each ultrasound has been perfect! But honestly, I’m still scared.
When I was pregnant with my son, everything looked great each time also. I did have high blood pressure which turned into preeclampsia. The only other indication something was wrong was I had polyhydramnios,an excess amount of amniotic fluid. I measured 46 weeks pregnant at 35 weeks! I was huge and extremely uncomfortable. You can have polyhydramnios for many reasons, but mine was because my son wasn’t swallowing the amniotic fluid due to his birth defect.
The birth of my son was also very traumatic, followed by another 2 years of consistent trauma with my son’s conditions. Read about his birth story here . I’ve struggled with PTSD. I still struggle with PTSD. The anxiety during this pregnancy and the birth of my unborn child is very real. Something I sit with every day.
The upcoming appointments are huge, a 20 week scan and a fetal echocardiogram. My son was born with cardiac abnormality (ASD, Atrial Septal Defect) so this baby is at higher risk and will be screened at 22 weeks. Please keep us in your thoughts.
So, that is where my mind has been. I’m feeling better and will start creating products again. I’ve steered clear of sanding and staining wood in the first trimester with a fear of birth defects. With it being nicer outside, I can get fresh air when making my crafts. I also wear safety equipment including a respirator to protect me and my unborn baby.
I look forward to getting back in the swing of things, I’ve missed it very much!
This is what I wanted!
